


Playing with fire

by Whizzywins



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: M/M, Weed, depressed boys, i love them, kiss, mentions of a boner oops, mentions of self harm, mentions of weed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-01
Updated: 2017-12-01
Packaged: 2019-02-09 02:25:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12878196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whizzywins/pseuds/Whizzywins
Summary: "What are You doing...""I'm playing with fire. I'm breaking my mothers rules. I'm debating burning myself for real. I'm thinking about going inside. I'm thinking about asking for a hit, but I don't want to embarrass myself in front of you."





	Playing with fire

Evan didn't know what was happening. 

One second, he was crying in the bathroom, and the next he's being dragged away by Connor Murphy. He didn't know the kid that well, but he's a known pothead, and most people stay away from him. It's this first day of Junior year.

Connor saw Evan crying and instantly said 'that's pathetic' before wiping his cheeks. 

"P-Pathetic?" Evan asked as his voice shook, and Connor just grabbed his hand, heading out the bathroom. Evan is now being led behind the school and Connor is holding his hand to drag him along. He looks down at their hands slowly. Where are they going, anyways? Evan looks around again as Connor stops walking. This spot reeks of weed, and it's in the woods back behind the school. "What are we doing here?" He mumbles, frowning a bit. He doesn't want to argue with Connor and try to leave, but he's pretty damn nervous being out here. What if Connor decides to beat him up or something?  
Huffing as he looked down at the anxious boy, Connor looked around to make sure no one was there before looking to him again. "Why the hell were you crying?" He asked, arms crossed and looking down at him, although it was more concern than anger. Evan's eyes widen. Of all the things for Connor to say, for some reason that hadn't crossed his mind. "I...Embarrassed myself in class," he whispers, voice cracking. 

"Hey.. hey..." Connor's tone suddenly turned soothing for a moment before he put up his tough guy act again, and sighed, crossing his arms. "And how did you manage to do that?"  
"I..." he looks away for a moment. "Asked your sister to sign my cast. Or...tried to. Mom told me I should ask people or whatever. But Jared started laughing because no one had signed it yet, and I ran out because I didn't know what to do." He scowls. He broke his arm over the summer, but no one knew how. There's a rumor that the football team did it, but no evidence to back it up. Connor arched his eyebrow in confusion before sighing and moving to the floor, sitting. 

"... sit, Hansen." He examined his expressions, trying to figure out what the big fuss was about the cast. Evan plops down immediately, sitting crisscross. He swallows thickly. He's always kind of let himself get pushed around like this, Connor noticed. He'd do pretty much anything someone told him to.  
Connor frowned at this, leaning forward. "... did you want to sit, or did you sit because I told you to..." Connor wanted him to be as comfortable as possible before he begins picking his brain, he deep down is just wanting to help.  
"I..." he swallows. He can't come up with an answer. "B-Both?" He himself doesn't actually know why he sat. Why is he listening to Connor Murphy anyways?  
But Connor sighs before leaning forward and watching his expressions. "How Did that happen anyway? The cast..."  
Evan just shrugs, rubbing his hand over it awkwardly "Fell out of a tree." 

Connor nods slowly, thinking about it.

"So that's not it. Or at least not the whole truth... when you're avoiding something, you pick or rub at things like your shirt, or shoe, or your nails... right now you're rubbing the cast," he points to his hand, "which is giving me the feeling you didn't fall out of a tree."  
Evan just scowls. "You don't know anything about me, Connor Murphy."  
Woah...

Taken aback, he sits up a bit, then stands looking down at him, hands balling into fists. 

"Well!.... well maybe I wanted to, what about that, Hansen?..." pissed, he turns away from him, moving closer into the hiding spot and digs into his bag, pulling out a blunt and a lighter, sticking the blunt between his lips. "Fuck off to class then." He snaps. Fumbling with the lighter, he speaks. Well... at first. But he starts to mumble now. "God forbid I try to fuckin' help one goddamn person..."  
Evan frowns hearing this. "I just...I fell out of a tree, Connor. That's it. End of story." He doesn't want to go back to class. Back to Zoe, and Jared. He doesn't want to go home to his mom, who'll ask why no one signed his cast.

Connor's become snappy now, hand shaking as he tries to light it, and his sleeves slide down showing his self harm scars, as he huffs having trouble lighting the blunt. "Whatever Hansen. I was just trying to help."

Evan sighs shakily. He slowly crawls forward, stealing the lighter. "It's the first day of school, you shouldn't be getting high already."  
Turning to him with a fire in his eyes, he holds his hand out "Give it back. Now."  
Evan takes a minute before clicking the lighter, the flame flicking up. He lights Connor's blunt for him, but keeps the lighter after, running his fingers through the flame, a little too quick to actually burn

Connor huffs but relaxes, sliding to the ground again and taking a long hit, before looking to him and speaking, The smoke drifting out toward him. "What are You doing..."  
"I'm playing with fire. I'm breaking my mothers rules. I'm debating burning myself for real. I'm thinking about going inside. I'm thinking about asking for a hit, but I don't want to embarrass myself in front of you." Everything comes slowly, emptiness in his voice. Connor runs his eyes up and down Evan before slowly holding the blunt out to him, turning head away. "I won't look." He closes his eyes, hoping he'll just take it rather than burn himself.  
Evan drops the lighter after a second, and takes the blunt after yet another pause. He coughs something awful at first, but by the third hit he can hold it down kind of well, handing the blunt back to Connor.  
Still averting his eyes as to keep Evan relaxed, he takes his lighter back, shoving it in his pocket, and takes a long hit, holding it in for a bit then letting it out. "You good?"

Evan shrugs, and he takes a moment before laying down next to Connor. "This sucks. You can't see the sky from right here."  
Taking another hit, Connor holds it out to Evan as he lays as well, looking up. "Yeah.. I guess so."  
"That's why I fell out of the tree." He takes he blunt, mimicking Connor and holding the smoke in for as long as he can.

Glancing over at him, then looking to the 'sky' again. "Because you can't see the sky?.."  
"I didn't want to look at leaves. Wanted to see the sky. Feel happy. Feel the sun."  
He nods slowly, taking the words into consideration. "Didn't want to see the bad. Wanted to see the good, but it was covered by shit..." he looks to Evan now, head turned to him. "You jumped. Or... let go... point being.. you purposely fell... didn't you..."  
Evan tenses. "No."  
Connor shrugged, looking up to the leaves. "I'm not mad. I'm just saying, I'm not dense."  
"I didn't let go, Connor." He passes the blunt back, ready to stand up and leave.  
Taking it back, hitting off it, he grabs his shoulder gently "Fine. Just stay here..." he looks to the leaves again "You smell like weed now. I'm not gonna let you go back in like that."  
Evan shook his head in protest. "I can just walk home, Connor. My mom won't be home anyways."  
Connor sits up "Then I'll walk you." He puts the blunt out and crosses arms, not letting him leave without him.  
"Why?!" He glares up at Connor, tears flooding his eyes. Looking down into his eyes, surprised by the sudden tears threatening to leak from Evan's eyes, Connor lets his hand move up to his cheek, other going around his waist before pulling him forward and pressing his lips to Evan's softly, closing his eyes.  
Evan's eyes widen, and after a second he shoves Connor off of him. His hands are shaking "You heard, didn't you?!" Angry tears stream down his cheeks. "You heard I tried to kill myself and now you're pitying me like everyone else! I don't want it, Connor!"

But Connor just stumbles back a bit, hands going up in confusion and defense, shocked. "Woah woah woah... what?..." he steps forward, eyes a bit glossy, hurt that he thought this. "I'm not pitying you... Evan slow down.."  
Evan shakes his head, wiping at his tears angrily. "I'm going home. /Alone/."

"No you're not." Connor frowns, reaching for him again. "I'm /not/ leaving you."  
"Because you don't trust me to be alone like everybody else?!"  
"No!" He steps forward again, hands going to his shoulders and gripping him. "Because I know how badly it hurts to be alone, even when you act like you want me gone and push me away you don't want to be alone Evan!" he grips Evan. "Because you need someone right now! I don't give a fuck if you don't like me or not, you need someone Evan!"  
"I have people," he argues weakly, no longer yelling. His voice cracks a bit.  
Tears threatening to leave his eyes, Connor grips his shoulders again. "Not when you push them away! When you push /me/ away!" He suddenly pulls him into a warm embrace, hand ruffling through his hair, the other around him. "Not when you're physically alone.. and scared... and upset..."  
Evan takes a second before gripping onto Connor's jacket. "Let me go. I'm not pushing everyone away, just you," he whispers. They can both tell he's lying. At least, Connor can tell. It's hard to tell if Evan is so caught in his lie that he believes it.  
Connor just holds on tighter, head going down to rest on his head, tears slipping. "Stop, Evan..." he holds him carefully, rubbing his hair and his back. "I'm sorry I kissed you... I was out of line.."  
"It wasn't...I...I'm tired of people acting like I'm a kicked animal. They want to try to 'make my life better' but it won't magically happen with a kiss, or a girl I don't know offering to sign my cast, or take me on a date."  
"That's not why I did it..." his voice drops, embarassed but trying to be as open as possible with him in such an emotional state. "I did it because I like you... and I think you're handsome... and I wanted to kiss you... not to make your life better..." his voice gets even quieter "but I'll never do it again.. I promise..."  
Evan frowns, and he grips onto Connor a little tighter. A million words wrestle in his throat. What if I want you to? Why not? You're handsome too. I like you too. Please don't let go. Don't make stupid promises. His hands start shaking again.  
He grips harder, feeling the shaking. "Relax dude... relax... no reason to be all worked up again okay?..."

"There is, though," he whispers.  
Speaking softly and soothingly, he helps him sit, holding him still. "What is the reason then.. hm?..." he ruffles his hair trying to relax the anxious boy.  
"Someone thinks I'm attractive. Wants to kiss me."  
Softly speaking still, he looks down at him "And that's a bad thing?..."  
"It's never happened before."  
"Everything has a first..." he sighs, laying his head back against a tree, closing eyes as he rubs his back.  
"Can we just...leave. I fucking hate it out here."  
He looks down at him, surprised a bit. "Where to?..."  
"My house. Your house. Anywhere else but the school."  
Slowly he helps Evan up, heading him towards his own house, pointing. "I live just a few houses down..."  
Evan nods, rubbing his cheek. His eyes are red, probably from crying more than the weed.  
Leading him in, and up to his room, Connor has him sit on the bed and sits beside him.  
Evan sits, pulling his knees to his chest after kissing his shoes off. "Mom is going to kill me.."  
"Don't worry about that right now..." he shoves his own shoes off, and then scoots back onto the bed more.  
Evan sighs "I'm always worrying about something." He fidgets a bit, rubbing over his cast slowly.  
"I've noticed..." he slowly takes that hand, rubbing a thumb over it before letting it go.

Evan looks up at Connor "How do you even notice stuff like that? Most people don't even notice I exist."  
"A lot of people don't notice me either. If they do they just call me a school shooter or some dumb shit like that..." he sighs, looking down. "I guess it just takes anxious people to know anxious people..."

Evan swallows thickly. "Oh," he mumbles. His mouth is dry, and his hands are starting to sweat. He wants to kiss Connor back.  
Looking down at him, Connor slowly turns to face him fully, then he slowly lays back a bit against the pillows, still sitting up. As if it's an invitation...  
Evan swallows a few times. He can do this. He can. He scoots close, then leans down slowly, then pauses just short of Connor's lips. Oh god, he can't do this. 

Connor looks up at his eyes before closing his own and pulling him down, kissing him lovingly and soft, gripping his shirt. Evan's heart is beating hard against Connor's hand, and his own hands struggle for purchase on the bed next to Connor as he's pulled down.

He's kissing Connor Murphy. 

As Connor's other hand ventures for his waist, the first hand moves up to his cheek, rubbing it with his thumb as he parts Evan's lips with his own, slow and gentle.  
Evan's heart picks up quite a bit more then, and he prays that Connor can't actually feel it. He squeezes his eyes shut, honestly trying his best to kiss back.  
Slowly, he pulls Evan down fully against him to feel his body against his own, and shivers, sighing happily as he kisses him slowly, hand tracing down over his back. 

Evan prays to himself that Connor can't tell this is his first- technically second- kiss, settling himself on top of the Murphy son like he was directed to. His hands stay on the mattress instead of on Connor, though, unsure as to where to actually put them. As Connor's breath huffs against Evan's lips, his hips buck up a bit, and he moves his hands to Evan's, sliding one to rest in Connor's hair, and the other to his hip.

Evan takes a second before letting his hands relax there. It's just Connor. Just Connor Murphy. This is fine. He swallows thickly, pulling back with a gasp. Their lips are connected by a small string of spit, his cheeks very pink. Panting gently, eyes going to his lips, then his eyes, Connor cups his cheek. "A-are You okay?..."  
"That was my first kiss," he blurts before he can stop himself, instantly wanting to swallow the words after.  
Catching his breath, he blushes, flipping them over so Connor is over Evan, hips pinning his own to the bed as he looks down at him. "I'm honored... how about I be your second too?..." leaning down again, he looks up and down his body.  
Evan's eyes widen, and he opens and closes his mouth as he tries to flirt back. He finds he's not as quick thinking as Connor, so he just nods. "Yes please.."  
He smirks gently before leaning down and kissing him again, lips parting his, and slowly his tongue presses into Evan's mouth, pressing to his own tongue, as his hands wrap around him.  
Evan's hands are shaking again, at his sides. He can't put one on Connor's hip from this position, and he doesn't know it if would seem too agressive to have two hands in Connor's hair. He tries his best to keep up with the kiss despite this, their tongues twisting and twirling.  
As Connor huffs soft and happy into his lips, a small groan escapes from the back of his throat, as his hips grind down into Evans desperately trying to get friction.  
Evan's eyes widen, and he lets out a small choked sound against Connor's lips. "Are you hard?" His voice cracks in his surprise.  
Without missing a beat, Connor looks down into his eyes, holding him close. "Yes..." he grinds down closer, panting soft and pausing as he looks down at him "Is that alright with you, Evan?...."

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading ^~^


End file.
